One becomes two

At 34 weeks pregnant I am having to think about the realities of becoming a family with two children rather than just one. Daniel is our world. He consumes so much of us, our time, our energy, our emotions, our conversation. He is the centre. Everything we do is based on how it will affect Daniel. We'd always thought we would have 18 month-2 years age gaps between children. We felt Daniel needed some more time as an only child but not too much as we wanted him to grow up with a sibling close in age and ability. He's so wary of other children and takes time to warm up to them and to have his own playmate he's comfortable with 24/7 well it will be fantastic. We lost a pregnancy last summer which would've left a 2 year 7 year age gap so on his 2nd birthday I felt conflicted about the fact he was getting more time as an only child. I need not have worried. God blessed us with a pregnancy straight away later that month. 

But now, the guilt... the worry... Have we done the right thing? Our child consumes more than I could ever have imagined. But he gives even more back. As he lies beside me now in bed holding my face as he sleeps, I can't believe I will have to share my time with his sibling. How can I give Daniel less of me and even more mind blowing, how can I have anything left for this baby? 

But everyone says they feel like this before their second child is born and your heart grows and makes room for them. That the relationship between your first child and the second blossoms with time and you just know you've done the right thing.

I think I know deep down that's what'll happen but I will still mourn the loss of my only child becoming my eldest child. 

I don't know if it is different for us because of Daniel's extra needs, but I just hope that this sibling becomes his best friend. That they can learn from each other. And that I can be the best mum that I can to them both.