Solitude

I have thought about my next blog entry a few times, in fact I started drafting two completely different posts, forgot to save them and never went back to them. And now that I've started a third time, the theme has changed again.

What do I mean by solitude? Well, not being around other people. And actually, it's not so much other people, it's mostly other parents. You see, when you have a baby, everyone tells you how it takes a village to raise a baby, how you won't be able to do this without the support and advice of other mums, you'll need to google everything and not to worry, no one knows what's they're doing. I'm only two years into my journey as a mum, but I actually find that the advice of others, google, and the need for a big support network of friends and family isn't what I need. I need solitude. Of course, I benefit greatly from the support of family, particularly our parents who each look after Daniel a day a week so I can work part time. But aside from that I have tried; I've tried to go to parent and toddler groups, I've tried to not go with my instinct and google something parenting related, I've tried to take part in the baby/toddler chat, but I just can't do it. I get drained and just find myself feeling more distant from the people around me. Our parenting choices aren't the norm. I think they probably fall into the 'attachment parenting' philosophy as we try to respond to Daniel's needs and signals and ensure he is provided with a secure relationship with us as his parents. But then not everything we are doing falls under that banner, so I don't even feel myself able to gravitate towards attachment parenting groups. I just want to stay at home (or go to the farm or head out for a walk) with my husband and son, and quite frankly don't give a hoot about what these other parents are doing. I dread being out and conversation turning to parenting issues, or even people asking me about Daniel, I just find myself clamming up and getting so defensive. 

So, I don't really know what's wrong with me, or how I'm different to other people in finding this all so difficult, but some days I wish I could back off from the parenting stuff and just chat about holiday plans or house renovations and other non political stuff that doesn't drain me. In the meantime, I'll sit with my husband and son and enjoy their company.